A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?