*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I ate everything, including the H.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time