I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them