You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks