Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Life hack
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants