I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little