“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.