I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.