GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters