I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself