“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.