They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.