What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
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The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.