People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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Meme Monday.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“Huge”.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry