I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
And that about sums it up.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner