“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Me trying to “trust the process”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.