SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Friday
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”