Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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shut up and take my money
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
That’s what I call a flat tire
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.