The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal