My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Said the murderer.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Leaving the Barbers like
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage