[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
What if the weather talks about us?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest