Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee