Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.