getting old is fun
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I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Check out the legs on this baby
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I can fix him.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing