If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
pat pat
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.