Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.