I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My background check bounced.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.