“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.