Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
#parenting
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾‍♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before