As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
😂 amazing answer
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do