If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”