CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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Welcome to the stomach
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.