instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Hard not to take this personally
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
a wizard dating app called bumbledore