*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Breakfast for Stoners:
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday