Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
This will teach them to underestimate me
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.