Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Monday Lisa
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”