I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The smoothest fall of all time
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.