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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
@funTweeters I am at your service….