[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.