If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.