If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.