Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Who’s ready for Friday?!
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch