The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it