I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them