Oh boy, $150,000!
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”