according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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what?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
me refusing to leave twitter
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My patience has stretch marks.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.