There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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#oldknees
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.