After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*mops up wine with cat*
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?