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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
best review i’ve ever seen
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.