Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
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My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.